I teach a course called "Helping Children with Loss" to adults who have children in their care. This is one of the basic principles I teach them. When a child achieves something we often say, "I'm so proud of you!" when really the more appropriate thing to ask them is how they feel about their accomplishment. When we reinforce external rewards, a child grows up thinking that validation and worth must come from outside themselves. As adults, we then constantly seek it from others or from achievements when in fact, the only way to truly feel confident and worthy is if it's an inherent thought we embody every day. Then, no matter what happens in the world around us, we know we're solid.
I resonated with : "Then, no matter what happens in the world around us, we know we're solid."
Thank you for sharing part of your world with me. It sounds like they are in good hands. It's interesting how the 'default' response with caregivers seems to be 'Good job! I'm so proud of you!'
Where do you think that came from? Is there a place for that sort of feedback?
Thanks for your thoughts, Tristan. You always have something thought provoking.
We learn many maladaptive behaviors from our own parents - not faulting them because it’s what they learned from their parents. Things like the best way to get through grief is to “be strong”, to “stay busy”, to “replace the loss” - another puppy, another boyfriend/girlfriend/job, etc. None of these things help work through the loss of someone or something meaningful. It doesn’t speak at all to the need to validate someone’s feelings. Being heard is always the first step in healing.
Yes, I think there is always an opportunity to express positive feelings to a child - or an adult - but it’s wise to first encourage them to look inward and acknowledge what they are feeling. It may not be as straight forward as we think it is and if we listen instead of leading with our own thoughts, we can learn so much about the other person.
I still remember one of my life’s defining moments in detail. I was cut from the 6th grade basketball team and all my friends had made it. Being an athlete was a big part of my identity. It totally broke me down. And my mom responded the next day with a trip to the mall as a consolation surprise. A band aid for a deep wound. Thanks for the share. I love the last thought— “if we listen instead of leading with our own thoughts, we can learn so much”— and make them feel supported, too.
Aww, I felt great empathy about that event, Tristan. I once had a similar thing happen but it was dance, not sport. A very cutting event at the time, although I later found our the reason which was legitimate but to be the ONLY one not chosen is tough. But look where we are now :-)
Great piece, Tristan! I often talk about intrinsic motivation at work to people leaders in the conversation of employee recognition. On one hand, it's important to recognize your team for a job well done in real time and in a way that's meaningful to them, and it's even more important to know the individuals on your team and what motivates them. There's a connected thread there. I love the way you write and what you write about! It matters.
Anika, I love how you are integrating both types of motivation in the workplace. With how much time we spend there we may as well get the most out of it. I’m really curious on your thoughts on “knowing the individuals on your team and what motivates them”. Thank you for the kind words, they matter too. More than you know.
Great piece! I hate litter and pick it up along my walk. I do think there is intrinsic benefit when we live in alignment with our values - in my case I believe littering is wrong (and take great issue with those who do so). Picking it up thereby allows me to walk the talk which feels good. Whether or not anyone acknowledges me for it. (BTW Thanks for the mention:). And thank you for picking it up.
Bridget, I love that you brought values into this conversation. A life in with unaligned values could even be described as an unaligned life. What are some of your other close to heart values?
What an interesting piece. The title drew me in, and it delivered.
Your description of how a small selfless act could lead to deeper contemplation on selflessness really spoke to me. I think the more we are aware of our selective attention bias, the more we can be aware of our surroundings and the small (but meaningful) lessons that we could learn from everyday actions (like picking up litter).
I look forward to reading more of your work, Tristan.
I think the main message for me was I need to stay off autopilot. We tend to shut our brain off doing mundane tasks when in reality we should take those moments in just as much (if not more).
Bravo on this piece, Tristan. I loved spending 4m 40sec in the delight of your reading. You have a voice made for audio LOL. Seriously!
I loved your reflections. The line 'the trash became personal' hit me strongly. Made me contemplate how everything in this world IS personal. But we don't often pay attention. You invited us to consider how our lives can change just by paying attention. Becoming aware. Of Life happening all around us.
My takeaway : 'Cleaning my little corner of the world' is a sublime invitation to live in accountability, presence, and awareness. 🙏✨🥰In deep gratitude xo
Good on you, for doing that. That's hope in a nutshell.
On the topic of humans being selfless, it feels like we can't separate the yin and the yang. I think every selfless act also benefits the actor. It's like the Maya Angelou quote about putting forth something into the river for someone downstream to benefit ...while at the same time someone upstream has put something into the river for you to benefit from. So whether or not we are capable of selfless acts seems like a moot question in that light. 😊
I teach a course called "Helping Children with Loss" to adults who have children in their care. This is one of the basic principles I teach them. When a child achieves something we often say, "I'm so proud of you!" when really the more appropriate thing to ask them is how they feel about their accomplishment. When we reinforce external rewards, a child grows up thinking that validation and worth must come from outside themselves. As adults, we then constantly seek it from others or from achievements when in fact, the only way to truly feel confident and worthy is if it's an inherent thought we embody every day. Then, no matter what happens in the world around us, we know we're solid.
I resonated with : "Then, no matter what happens in the world around us, we know we're solid."
Thank you for sharing part of your world with me. It sounds like they are in good hands. It's interesting how the 'default' response with caregivers seems to be 'Good job! I'm so proud of you!'
Where do you think that came from? Is there a place for that sort of feedback?
Thanks for your thoughts, Tristan. You always have something thought provoking.
We learn many maladaptive behaviors from our own parents - not faulting them because it’s what they learned from their parents. Things like the best way to get through grief is to “be strong”, to “stay busy”, to “replace the loss” - another puppy, another boyfriend/girlfriend/job, etc. None of these things help work through the loss of someone or something meaningful. It doesn’t speak at all to the need to validate someone’s feelings. Being heard is always the first step in healing.
Yes, I think there is always an opportunity to express positive feelings to a child - or an adult - but it’s wise to first encourage them to look inward and acknowledge what they are feeling. It may not be as straight forward as we think it is and if we listen instead of leading with our own thoughts, we can learn so much about the other person.
I still remember one of my life’s defining moments in detail. I was cut from the 6th grade basketball team and all my friends had made it. Being an athlete was a big part of my identity. It totally broke me down. And my mom responded the next day with a trip to the mall as a consolation surprise. A band aid for a deep wound. Thanks for the share. I love the last thought— “if we listen instead of leading with our own thoughts, we can learn so much”— and make them feel supported, too.
Aww, I felt great empathy about that event, Tristan. I once had a similar thing happen but it was dance, not sport. A very cutting event at the time, although I later found our the reason which was legitimate but to be the ONLY one not chosen is tough. But look where we are now :-)
"The litter haul" 😆
That is some really smart writing. So impactful.
Great piece, Tristan! I often talk about intrinsic motivation at work to people leaders in the conversation of employee recognition. On one hand, it's important to recognize your team for a job well done in real time and in a way that's meaningful to them, and it's even more important to know the individuals on your team and what motivates them. There's a connected thread there. I love the way you write and what you write about! It matters.
Anika, I love how you are integrating both types of motivation in the workplace. With how much time we spend there we may as well get the most out of it. I’m really curious on your thoughts on “knowing the individuals on your team and what motivates them”. Thank you for the kind words, they matter too. More than you know.
Great piece! I hate litter and pick it up along my walk. I do think there is intrinsic benefit when we live in alignment with our values - in my case I believe littering is wrong (and take great issue with those who do so). Picking it up thereby allows me to walk the talk which feels good. Whether or not anyone acknowledges me for it. (BTW Thanks for the mention:). And thank you for picking it up.
Bridget, I love that you brought values into this conversation. A life in with unaligned values could even be described as an unaligned life. What are some of your other close to heart values?
What an interesting piece. The title drew me in, and it delivered.
Your description of how a small selfless act could lead to deeper contemplation on selflessness really spoke to me. I think the more we are aware of our selective attention bias, the more we can be aware of our surroundings and the small (but meaningful) lessons that we could learn from everyday actions (like picking up litter).
I look forward to reading more of your work, Tristan.
That first line is such nice compliment. It felt right when it landed.
You've got it right, the meaning really is in the ordinary. In doing what needs to be done.
Where do you see some of these ideas/thoughts fitting into your life?
I think the main message for me was I need to stay off autopilot. We tend to shut our brain off doing mundane tasks when in reality we should take those moments in just as much (if not more).
Yep. Scrolling, laundry, tidying up, all ordinary chances to snap out of the trance, IMHO. So true.
Bravo on this piece, Tristan. I loved spending 4m 40sec in the delight of your reading. You have a voice made for audio LOL. Seriously!
I loved your reflections. The line 'the trash became personal' hit me strongly. Made me contemplate how everything in this world IS personal. But we don't often pay attention. You invited us to consider how our lives can change just by paying attention. Becoming aware. Of Life happening all around us.
My takeaway : 'Cleaning my little corner of the world' is a sublime invitation to live in accountability, presence, and awareness. 🙏✨🥰In deep gratitude xo
Good on you, for doing that. That's hope in a nutshell.
On the topic of humans being selfless, it feels like we can't separate the yin and the yang. I think every selfless act also benefits the actor. It's like the Maya Angelou quote about putting forth something into the river for someone downstream to benefit ...while at the same time someone upstream has put something into the river for you to benefit from. So whether or not we are capable of selfless acts seems like a moot question in that light. 😊